Anti-Government Extremists: What You Need to Know

Gov. Hilarion stated today that "extremism will not be tolerated in the province of Africa."

Six anti-government conspirators were convicted today of crimes against His Excellency, Septimius Severus, Emperor of the Roman Empire. All were members of an extremist atheistic cult which rejects the rule of the gods, including the patron gods of the Empire. Governor Hilarion, presiding in lieu of the deceased proconsul Minucius Timianius, determined that their blasphemous practices posed sufficient enough danger to the peace and health of the province that it warranted the death penalty. 

But who are these extremists, and how many more are there? This is the question that many are wanting answered today, as the threat continues to loom not only of divine wrath, but also loss of Roman identity. And how can you keep your household safe?

Experts have compiled the following list of guidelines:

1. Be aware of who your slaves talk to.

The atheist extremists known as "Christians" seem to target the naïve and uneducated, as well as the poor who have few other choices before them. Slaves have been known to radicalize entire households with the rhetoric they learn at the cult's secret meetings. Be aware of how long your slaves are out of the house, and if something seems wrong, beat them until they confess their activities, or call imperial authorities immediately. 

2. Make sure all household members sacrifice regularly to authorized Roman gods. 

While Rome welcomes gods from many regions and cultures, atheistic groups forbid their members to sacrifice to the traditional gods of Rome, and refusal to sacrifice at the temple may be an early sign of extremist leanings. You may have as many gods as you like in your household, but the governor's office reminds all citizens and non-citizen residents that sacrifices to official state gods are still required, in addition to whatever other devotional practices you follow. For more information on where to sacrifice and on approved sacrificial amounts, please contact your local temple or the governor's office. 

3. If you suspect someone you know may be part of an anti-Roman cult, contact authorities immediately. 

Authorities estimate that up to five hundred so-called "Christians" may be living in Carthage itself, with thousands spread throughout the province. 
"It's definitely a tense situation, and one we are doing our best to contain," stated an unnamed member of the secret police, who has been following the insurgents for some time. "If something is not done soon, we could be looking at something like the plague of several decades ago. We urge you, if you have any suspicions, contact the authorities immediately."
Quartus Poundus adds, ​"Cults are bad, dude. Extremely bad both for mass production of automobiles and for stream of consciousness writing, which is going on right now. We're way too far down the page for anyone to need to read this. Hamburgers: that's what this world needs. Provolone cheese slices by Daiya would not go amiss either; perhaps I'll pick some up after church. My cat, sadly, is not sitting with me anymore, and states that if this ridiculousness goes on longer I'll only have myself to blame for being tired tomorrow. Adieu, sweet friends, and never forget to check that your shoelaces are properly tied."